January 24, 2014
Ready, set, go! Freewrite for ten minutes.
I'll do until I get to work. So, here I sit at the bus stop, wondering if I am emotionally retarded, or have emotional ADD or something of that nature. Yesterday a guy came up to me at the bus stop and asked if I had change for the bus, I didn't, so I told him so. Then he waited around a second, seemed to notice my son across the street at his bus stop, and started waking towards him. I told the guy he he didn't have change either. He yelled back at me that he wasn't going to ask, and he seemed irritated at me. Well, I stand by my decision to save my son the burden of dealing with that guy, but I felt bad about it.
So, on the bus I was writing, and the change asker was not on my mind. As soon as I stepped into my office, for some reason he was back on my mind. Why? What's worse, and making me question my emotional health, is that as soon as I started 'opening my office', he was gone from my mind. Gone until this morning when I got to my bus stop where it all happened. I can trace the origin of my thoughts this morning, but why did those same thoughts disappear yesterday? Not that they just went away, nope, it was more like 'Poof' thought-no-more!
This is really not a big deal, that was not really something that I needed to devote thought and worry to. Bottom line as I see it, I did it to protect my son. I'd do anything for that reason, so there you have it. The reason I am concerned is that there are bigger things that have happened in my life, and the same thing happens. Usually it happens on a larger scale, but it happens.
My dad dies, I cry, I'm down for a while, ill always miss him, I still cry sometimes, but it feels like I was 'over it' way faster than I should have been.
My Uncle Paul passes away, I got a call at work, I got off of the phone and lost it on the floor of my office, had a hard weekend, couldn't go to the funeral. That made it better, and worse. I regret that I couldn't go, but it really was not feasible. My family took good care of me that weekend, trying to help me keep my mind off of it. By the next week, I was functioning again. I still miss him, when I hear his voice saying 'baby' the way only he could, I cry or I smile, depending on my mood. But basically, I am over it.
Some might argue that I was not that close to either of them, and this is sadly true. I wasn't as close as I would have liked with either of them. But how is it that I was OK and functional so soon after those losses?
Over the holidays I had an old memory come back and really mess me up at a party. I was a mess that night, but by the next week, I was OK.
I am super resilient? Is my super power to be able to cope with emotional stresses? If it is, I want a do over! Is it any of those reasons, or do I just have a shallow emotional reservoir? Or, is it that I am really good a stuffing these things down, and I am on my way to a breakdown on a epic scale? At the end of which, ill be sitting in the corner of a padded room, making the same noise that Goldie Hawn made in the movie Overboard... I do really wonder and worry about that sometimes, maybe more, maybe less than I should.
Well, I'm almost to work. I'm sure ill forget all about this as soon as I get to my office. :)
Am I adaptable or broken?
I'll do until I get to work. So, here I sit at the bus stop, wondering if I am emotionally retarded, or have emotional ADD or something of that nature. Yesterday a guy came up to me at the bus stop and asked if I had change for the bus, I didn't, so I told him so. Then he waited around a second, seemed to notice my son across the street at his bus stop, and started waking towards him. I told the guy he he didn't have change either. He yelled back at me that he wasn't going to ask, and he seemed irritated at me. Well, I stand by my decision to save my son the burden of dealing with that guy, but I felt bad about it.
So, on the bus I was writing, and the change asker was not on my mind. As soon as I stepped into my office, for some reason he was back on my mind. Why? What's worse, and making me question my emotional health, is that as soon as I started 'opening my office', he was gone from my mind. Gone until this morning when I got to my bus stop where it all happened. I can trace the origin of my thoughts this morning, but why did those same thoughts disappear yesterday? Not that they just went away, nope, it was more like 'Poof' thought-no-more!
This is really not a big deal, that was not really something that I needed to devote thought and worry to. Bottom line as I see it, I did it to protect my son. I'd do anything for that reason, so there you have it. The reason I am concerned is that there are bigger things that have happened in my life, and the same thing happens. Usually it happens on a larger scale, but it happens.
My dad dies, I cry, I'm down for a while, ill always miss him, I still cry sometimes, but it feels like I was 'over it' way faster than I should have been.
My Uncle Paul passes away, I got a call at work, I got off of the phone and lost it on the floor of my office, had a hard weekend, couldn't go to the funeral. That made it better, and worse. I regret that I couldn't go, but it really was not feasible. My family took good care of me that weekend, trying to help me keep my mind off of it. By the next week, I was functioning again. I still miss him, when I hear his voice saying 'baby' the way only he could, I cry or I smile, depending on my mood. But basically, I am over it.
Some might argue that I was not that close to either of them, and this is sadly true. I wasn't as close as I would have liked with either of them. But how is it that I was OK and functional so soon after those losses?
Over the holidays I had an old memory come back and really mess me up at a party. I was a mess that night, but by the next week, I was OK.
I am super resilient? Is my super power to be able to cope with emotional stresses? If it is, I want a do over! Is it any of those reasons, or do I just have a shallow emotional reservoir? Or, is it that I am really good a stuffing these things down, and I am on my way to a breakdown on a epic scale? At the end of which, ill be sitting in the corner of a padded room, making the same noise that Goldie Hawn made in the movie Overboard... I do really wonder and worry about that sometimes, maybe more, maybe less than I should.
Well, I'm almost to work. I'm sure ill forget all about this as soon as I get to my office. :)
Am I adaptable or broken?
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